No Child Left Behind:
The Football Version
1. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable.


2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions will be made for interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities.


3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.


4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in 4th, 8th and 11th games.


5. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.



1 - only slightly overstated - the truth is, all teams must make the playoffs - it is only at the end of the NCLB process that all teams must win the championship - when 100% of all players and subgroups must be proficient!

2 - That's it!! Actually, as long as you don't have "enough" disabled - (or other subgroup) players, you can slide by. However!!! even if the team as a whole meets the Proficient Football level, if any one subgroup does not meet the objective - say, left handers, or blondes, or students in wheelchairs, or students who only speak Urdu - you still fail! Money will be taken away from you, and a "company" who supposedly knows better will get the money to improve your team. To the even greater exclusion of other subjects.

3 - True - or worse. Remember, 95% of players Must Play or the team/school Fails - that means an additional diversion in resources to find all the players who skipped the games because they do not think Football is meaningful for life and their career! Time must be taken for make-up games for those that missed the original game time.

4 - And No statistics will be kept showing the improvement of any one student or group of students from year to year! The coach is responsible for assuring the players they receive are on ability level for that year, regardless of experience level!


5 - "and all of the children are above average!!!!" tnx Garrison Keilor