Giving a Penguin a Pill
by Ian and Opus

From: Carla Coble


1. Grasp Penguin firmly (once you have caught it) and gently remove from crate/ground that it was planted in/on upon your introduction to one of God's most wonderful creatures.

2. Remove hand from beak and claws from arm.

3. Try to hold penguin while opening container of pills.. Need two hands, OOOPS! Retrieve penguin and try again.

4. Place pill on crate lid. Clasp Penguin firmly between legs, reach for pill, and... OUCH (#%^!!!*~&), remove calf muscle from beak. Pill's still where you put it.

5. Clasp penguin firmly, release hand holding head to open beak, while other hand is holding pill. Pry open beak, remove flesh, apply elastoplast and try again.

6. Alright. Patience is beginning to wane a bit. Now they are merely God's most interesting creatures. Locate rather disagreeable penguin. Capture bird and place firmly between your legs, OUCH (*!%*&~$#), try to locate leg in all of that beak. Pill is still waiting patiently where you left it.

7. OK. Time to approach this from a mental attitude. I mean, how smart can a bird be anyway? Psyche yourself up that the AP is a very placid King who does not have human on the menu. Retrieve penguin from under the bed and pill from between crates.

8. Apply elastoplast to arms, and face due to the attacks from other irritated AP's who thought you were the pill and that it was their turn. Now. Turn to give pill to penguin and... Wait. Where did he go? Retrieve penguin from potted plant.


Pill in Right hand. Open beak with left hand - Grab flipper typing out international numbers on your cell phone and place back between legs (Yours). Have another go at opening the beak.

10. Beak opened with left hand pill in right hand, HALLELUIA. Place pill in mouth remembering that it must not be allowed to enter the trachea. Place finger (that the pill is stuck to) into mouth and gently force pill down the side of the throat.

11. Have a Scotch and sit back and relax.

12. Try and find pill in pilchard that was just barfed from said penguin. #!@**$-curse. You are now convinced that God did not make this stupid bird: Satan did. Replace bedding in crate. FIND PENGUIN. Remove finger from beak and claw from arm. Have a good cry whether you are a man OR a woman.

13. Put on thinking cap while clasping said bird firmly between what is left of your legs. Ah-ha. Distract penguin by cooing and telling him what a nice bird he is. Don't let him see you placing pill in pilchard. Feed to penguin.

14. Retrieve pill from floor after it dropped out of the fish's mouth just as it was to be applied to penguin's beak.

15. Get new pill from container, patch up legs and hands, have a scotch, retrieve very irritated bird and...... clasp firmly between the legs............

16. Get sneaky and hide the pill behind the gills of the pilchard (something we learned from Marie-Josee). Cram pilchard down throat.

17. Grin and have a scotch (another thing I learned from our Canadian friend).

18. Repeat 12 - 16 until bird retains fish for at least 1/2 hour.

19. Have a Scotch, patch up wounds, stand down the local Med Rescue, remove dirty towels, open new box of elastoplast, get next pill ready.

20. Grasp bird number 2 firmly.....

21. Give a Scotch to the penguin, swallow the pill yourself and...


22. Go into basket weaving.



Opus (:>

Page built 2/14/98 by ted Brattstrom
slightly revised - 5-Sept-09